Unhooked

About the book "Unhooked" SOOO GOOD! Read it!


I have a new subject that I will, no doubt, be ranting on very soon. I am currently reading a new book called "Unhooked" by Laura Sessions Stepp. (I'm really looking forward to having time to pleasure read again... but that's beside the point). So, much like "Smashed", its a study of our current culture and young people. Essentially, "Smashed" is to alcohol as "Unhooked" is to sex, mainly "hooking up". I've only read the forward and part of the first chapter, but it looks to be another rant-worthy read. It really is amazing how the concept of dating has been replaced with hooking up. People often complain about the lack of dating at St. Olaf, but I think its an epidemic that extends way beyond Olaf. Our generation has replaced the search for love with the search for instant gratification. Anyway.. i'm going to stop since I haven't actually read the book yet.



More:

Wow.. I dont even know where to start. I got a bit too involved in simply reading the book and forgot to continue writing notes about it. I am about 3/4 of the way done with the book and it really is a fantastic book. I would recommend it to anyone who.... well.. to everyone. I think it gives an educated perspective on a culturally accepted norm. As one who doesn't do the "hooking up" thing, it has helped me solidify my reasons for that and also help me understand why people get so involved in this lifestyle.

On a broad level, I can see why people think it makes sense to hook up rather than have relationships. They think it will effect academic and career goals less by creating less stress that a relationship but getting the same physical pleasure one is giving up by not dating. And as one who is rather... ehhem... horny, I can see the draw. However, this book explores the lives of high school and college age girls who are immersed in the hookup culture and the overwhelming evidence shows that the lack of stability and the forced emotional detachment create even more personal stress than a stable relationship would offer.

One thing that really surprised and sickened me a bit was how young this all begins. It is not odd to find 14-15 year olds beginning to "Hook up" which usually includes making out and/or oral sex and even as far as beginning to have sex. That is crazy and makes me really worried about future generations.

One "reason" for this increase in physical, unemotional hookups, on the girls side, is a type of payback for years of men being in control. Now, women can be "players" and not be considered sluts as they were in the past. The double standard for men and women has been all but destroyed in a woman's power sort of movement that is trying to prove that women can be as emotionally detached as men when it comes to casual hookups. However, time and time again, when the women are actually honest with themselves and the writer, that attachment is there on some level, even if it is being covered up.

All of the women long to be cherished and safe in a relationship, but dont know what that looks like, feels like, or think it will ever really happen. Its so sad to see these women, well girls, have such a cynical view of love. They seem to have the "confidence" needed to approach a guy for sex, but when someone comes along who wants more, they dont know how to handle it. And those who do begin to have real, meaningful, secure relationships, even when they end, don't feel the same draw to hooking up.

Relationships with parents and especially fathers are also very important to a girls development and the direction she heads. The book discusses how girls who felt cherished by their fathers were less likely to settle for the cheap feeling of hooking up. And even parents involvement can be as simple as discouraging their daughter from finding a boyfriend, which might distract them from their goals. This pushes young women to simply find the physical satisfaction. This seems to solve the problem. It doesn't distract them or displease their parents. or so they think.

I would LOVE to see a book written men in this culture. Also, "smashed" offers a girls perspective on the party scene, I would love to see it from a guys perspective as well. Its obvious that the two go hand in hand. Drinking excessively and the hookup culture. Most people who hook up are intoxicated on some level. (this seems like a very obvious statement, but it is simply and important link between the two).

If nothing else, this book is interesting and honestly makes me sad. To see how flippant the importance of sex, love, emotions, bodies, and people in general have become leaves me feeling helpless and on some level, hopeless. One thing the past 4 years at St. Olaf have taught me is the intrinsic value of every person I have met. I have appreciated and loved getting to know everyone I had the privilege knowing. I honestly mean this. Anyone who knows me and reads this note can clump themselves into this category. I honestly think you are amazing. I only wish people could see this in themselves enough to value every aspect of their person, their body, heart, soul, mind, and entity.

Please read this book. again, its "Unhooked" by Laura Sessions Stepp. I found it at Target and still have about 1/4 left to read, so I may or may not write another entry on it. Thanks for taking the time to read this one... even though it was long. I would really love to get your thoughts on this topic (since I'm not with any of you and can't have a real-life engaging discussion... sad).


Final Thoughts:

Wow....
so, I REALLY think you all should read this book. If nothing else, it just makes you think and analyze (two things I enjoy doing... deliberately... of course). Ok, so I'm going to sum up some of the ending points, add in a few of my own thoughts, and let you all comment, which is really why I write these notes... to get your opinions.

So... a few obvious "side-effects" of hooking up: increased risk of STD's and pregnancies due to little or no information being exchanged, higher likelihood of rape and/or other forced or regrettable decisions (especially when coupled with alcohol, which it usually is), and emotional hurt.

This is a big one that is neglected. Because parents either enforces strick, unexplained rules, or want to let their children make their own decisions and institutions wont even touch this area, young men and women are left to work through these issues alone. Hooking up fits with the rest of our short-cutting culture. Rather than finding love, we simply fake it and settle for lust. We have become very practical about it, leaving out the emotions. In many of the stories in the book, the first thing in the girls minds were "Crap, I hope he has a condom" rather than "do I REALLY want to do this". This practicality should also be a part of decisions including our wants, honest desires, emotional and physical health, and play a part in figuring out what is really behind the desire to hook up.

Not shockingly, most of these women (and I'm assuming men) do want to find real love someday, leading to marriage. Our generation, however, is training for a sprint, when we plan to run a marathon. How can we expect to learn about this kind of love, if we never practice caring, trust, respect, admiration, honesty, selflessness, communication, and especially, commitment, all of which are researched qualities that make up a good marriage/relationship. Hooking up is quite possibly the complete opposite of these traits.

As I was thinking about this subject the other day, I also realized how much trust comes into play here... or I guess the lack there of. One reason I personally have chosen not to hookup and to wait to have sex until I'm married is because of how habits work. If I am use to having instant gratification sexually with the flavor of the week before I'm married, I can't imagine how much harder staying faithful would being a marriage if I have never had to practice self control. honestly, I think of this more on the side of who I marry. Its not a requirement, but I hope to end up with someone who has practiced self control in his life prior to marrying me. Everyone make mistakes, but I really don't think I'm asking too much to hope that he has chosen not to make "hooking up" a lifestyle. ok... I'm done with my own tangent.

Sex. The book talks about how people described "good/great sex" and what is not. according to Stepp and those interviewed who have actually experienced sex with someone they love, it is astronomically better in a committed, loving relationship. i have even been told by both guy and girl friends that hooking up gets boring, but they keep doing it for a number of reasons. I, however, cannot speak from experience on this point, but I will, simply from practically reading, observing, and listening side with great sex being in a committed, loving relationship (marriage).

At the end of the book, Stepp writes a letter to women (although men, you should read it too) outlining some of her personal thoughts on the subject. Surprisingly, the rest of the book is very objective, only expressing the thoughts and stories of the girls interviewed and research/surveys. Here are some of the highlights from this letter (and guys, please replace "guys" with "girls" and vice versa, because I do think it pertains to you as well):

-A guy can make you feel valuable, but it's not the guy who makes you valuable. The more confident you become, independent of love, the more confident you will be in love. Avoid hookups. They'll make you feel more ordinary than you already feel-- and look more ordinary to the guy you set your sights on. He will seek to win you over only if he thinks you're a prize. As in a future career, prepare for the type of relationship you want to have. Set your sights high for quality. (ok.. that last one was mine).

-Don't let they have what you've got until you, and they, know who you are. Your body is not an introductory offer, It's a return receipt. Your partner give you love or at least respect and affection and in return you give him part of you- and you decide which part. (notice this isn't... well, he took me to a nice place, so I have to put out... its about love, repsect, affection, etc.). Respecting yourself means also respecting the person you've chosen to be with. So when you say "I'm worth waiting for", you shoudl also be saying "And so are you." If your partner is not worth waiting for, he or she is not worth it, period.

-Love wont change you; it will just make you more of who you are. Don't be afraid of your need to love. Loving another makes you more giving, more relaxed and more adventurous. In a good relationship, you like who you both are when you're together- and who you are both becoming.

-Lust is not love, although it can feel like it. Anyone can get laid, but only a few will get laid and loved the first time. I loving relationship is much more likely to happen before you hook up than afterwards.

-the Past is prologue. Remember your first love? of course you do. What did you get from that relationship that you want to find again? What do you want to avoid. Think of other relationships and hookups. Which memories pop up first? The time that guy peeled an orange for you as you lay sick in bed with the flu? Or the guy in the bar that kept buying you shots with the promise that he would take you- where was that again? Home?

-Breaking up is hard to do- and instructive. Falling in love is easy; staying in love is work. Life gets in the way. If you want to keep working at a relationship, that's love. Whether your relationship dissolves or a hookup leaves you sour, you will discover some of the same lessons. You need time and space to discern them. Take a sabbatical. Otherwise you risk making the same mistakes again.

-Even with a good guy, you still need friends. Accountability partners and people who understand more of you than your sex drive are important to have and to talk through thoughts, feelings, and decisions.

-Good sex, bad sex. Think erotic, not pornographic. Pornographic leaves nothing to the imagination. Erotic includes anticipation, leading to more satisfaction and less of a cheep thrill, which becomes not thrilling rather quickly. Wow, imagine waiting for a wedding day.. talk about anticipation! ha!

-Sex ALWAYS has meaning, even when it is "meaningless". Sex can be abusive and selfish, or it can reinforce our best qualities: our playfulness, generosity, sense of responsibility, and trustworthiness. Otherwise, whats the point. Let's say you're both drunk. To whom are you and he making love? If it takes liquor to feel a connection to someone, the connection isn't there. Work on it when you're sober.

-Plan your dive and dive your plan. Having a plan before you get yourself into situations will lead to a much more positive outcome. If you make the first move, do it deliberately, with forethought. Ha.. however, she says there is one exception to the plan rule: the most memorable kisses are frequently the ones you don't anticipate. and... dont flirt with guys you are not interested in. That will only hurt and confuse him and encourage him to mistreat girls.

-You dont have to choose the dating options presented to you. You can come up with your own. Don't fall into hooking up if it really isnt what you want, but only because other options dont seem to be presenting themselves. We have more power than to simply follow the crowd.

-You're in this together. I like this part. The hookup culture is regrettably adversarial, pitting girls against guys. Don't buy into its cynicism. As much as they may act like it sometimes, guys are not the enemy. Don't excuse their bad behavior, but do try to understand it. Guys are frequently intimidated by girls who seem to be able to do everything well. What if they dont live up to their expectations? Some would rather take a girl by force than have their masculinity questioned. You're not going to slow things down on their own. this fast paced pop culture has left them impatient for leisurely plots. Besides, hooking up is ideal for them: it is simple and doesn't require a lot of preparation, reading of signals, or attention to feelings. Eventually, many guys find hooking up unsatisfying too, but it takes them longer to recognize and verbalize their discomfort. Girls must bring them along in their thinking.

So, that's about it. the last part of the book focuses on the positive and negative responses she has gotten from the book, of which I will spare you. If any of this interested you, I really do recommend you read the book (have I said that enough yet?). Please comment, I'd love to get your input! thanks for putting up with my rant for the day!