I've been trying to figure something out lately. What is my aversion to singing in Church? I really don't like singing solo's in church... never really have wanted to do it.. but can't say no. ("I'm just a girl who cain't say no, I'm in a turrible fix".... jk... the whole song is definitely not appropriate for this subject.. haha.)
I think part of this is my fear of turning it into a "performance"... which I've grown very weary of in church settings. When services become more about entertaining the congregation than worshiping, I can no longer focus on God. (I'm easily distracted as it is... do you REALLY need to have people dancing around with flags, video's behind the lyrics on a screen, and a massive praise band to keep me even less focused?) I understand the motivation behind much of it... but it is very difficult for me to fully enter into worship when there is so much going on. but perhaps its more of my problem than the worship people.
Which is why I need to consider whether or not to sing in church. For me... my voice is my career... I can't not strive for perfection when I perform... but I also know this is not what worship's about.... and if my heart isn't in the right place.. should I really do it simply because God gave me my voice?
Which leads to another point. I know everything I've done with my voice is purely God's doing. I didn't do anything to get this voice and genetics didn't do squat... so I know I should offer it to him.. but does that mean it has to be in church? I see my voice as the means to get me into my "mission field". The level of success I attain is directly related to the people I am suppose to be around... completely God-directed. So, by working hard, practicing, auditioning, and performing.. I am worshiping God and using the talent he has given me.
I can't help but feel like I'm just showing off when I sing in Church.. and I hate that. I also don't like singing in small, spur of the moment situations or anywhere where it is simply to draw attention to myself... its awkward and makes me very uncomfortable (part of that may also be my dislike of being treated like the family dancing monkey).
I guess another thing is that worship, to me, is about the imperfections.. as odd as it sounds... my favorite voices to hear around me in church are the tone deaf ones who could care less... and are just singing their hearts out. You KNOW its not about hearing their own voice... its about expressing their hearts... I love that. I really dislike that there are churches who have auditions for "special music" soloists.... really?! Seriously?! I think it misses the point completely. As much as worship is about the imperfections.... my vocal training is about getting rid of the imperfections. I'm just not quite sure what to do with this conflict.
I could just say... "screw it... I'm a Christian.. and a singer... I should sing in church", but I can't really do that anymore. I am not a fake. I can't just act like I'm focusing on God and worshiping when I'm mad that my D was flat.... or I cracked on the high note.... or screwed up the words. Vocal training has made music worship even more difficult for me, which is why I often take the time to not sing during the praise music and just listen, pray, or stay still. I constantly need reminding of why I'm there and what I'm suppose to be doing.
I also need to think of others. I know there are people in my home church who really love it when I do special music, Since I'm rarely around. Should I be willing to sing to bless others.. even if I don't feel that my heart is right? Will my heart ever me completely "right" enough to worship correctly? Can this struggle be part of the imperfection?
Really... I need to be praying about this and trying to get my Heart in the right place. I think this part of me will always need to be kept in check. I need wisdom in how to deal with this.
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I feel like maybe I've talked with you before about how I find it difficult to sing solos in my home church for various reasons. It bothers me, too, because I have a difficult time setting aside things like an out-of-tune piano, or a lack of pianists who can play the sort of repertoire I'd like to sing. But I feel like I should set them aside, because the whole point of me singing in my tiny country church is for the enjoyment of the members there who hardly see me, not to make it perfect.
ReplyDeleteBut I am obsessed with singing Hymns, so that part has never been a big issue for me. I love singing hymns (esp. German Chorale hymns!) and I don't mind if I sing over the other forty people who come to my tiny country church. It gives me an excuse not to perform in front of them; they can hear me anyway! But I've never felt it is showing off; I'm just doing what God made me to do. And there is something beautiful in expressing that, right?
I think learning to let go and sing with your heart in church instead of your head can be such a cleansing experience. Personally, it makes me feel closest to God when I'm opening my mouth and letting my body do what it has always known how to do.
We should talk about this more sometime. And you worry too much. But I like that about you. You're awesome.
Tim and I were just talking about this, albeit in a joking manner and more lightheartedly than you are. :) We were just saying that people were singing quietly at group and we know we have some big voices in the group. :) But loud vs. quiet really doesn't matter. You're right, it's the heart. This is an interesting dilemma in your situation though.
ReplyDeleteKelly, I agree about the joy of just letting go and singing... When I can do that.. its an amazing experience. It usually happens with I'm in a place where my voice is drown out by the number of people singing... i LOVE it. I guess I now have a constant fear that the old Laura is creeping back. When I was little.. I HAD to be the center of attention... just ask my siblings. So I don't ever want worship to be about me... I don't know....
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